Raging paranoia

One of the oh-so-wonderful side effects of self loathing and body hatred is paranoia and jealousy.

I’ve always had tenancies toward jealousy in a relationship, and I think this can all be boiled down to the fact that I don’t like what I look like, and therefore I don’t understand why anyone else would like what I look like… and so I feel like I’m permanently waiting for my significant other to find someone else more significant than me…

This was all somewhat compounded when an ex (the dysfunctional relationship I mentioned in my previous post) did exactly that.

Mostly the feeling was parked from about 18 months into my relationship with my (now) husband up until Nancy was born.

Whilst trying (and failing) to deal with the body I’d been left with I was mindful that this wasn’t just impacting me, but my husband as well… and then the depression kicked in and I wasn’t only unpleasant to look at but miserable too. I was just waiting for the day he told me he’d found someone else.. who was thinner, didn’t have boobs down to her belly button and a belly button down to her knees, and was actually happy most of the time.

He never has, so far… Bless him.

But I rebuilt a lot of walls that he spent a long time slowly taking down at the start of our relationship, and I feel so awful for that. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not squeaky clean in all of this. There were things he could have said that would have soothed my inner turmoil and things he could have done which would have made everything a lot easier for me… but he’s not the most perceptive of creatures and has a lot on his own plate with work and a degree on the go.

Like I said, I rebuilt walls.. which I think is a default reaction for a lot of people when they’re dealing with trauma, and dealing with my new body was a complete trauma. I don’t mean that lightly either. I built mine higher than before, with a concrete lining and topped with barbed wire.

I really started to feel my marriage falling apart. I desperately wanted my husband to save me, and save us, but I think he was just holding our family together with his fingertips whilst I failed at life, so I pushed him away. If he wasn’t going to fight for us why should I bother!

Its only been recently I’ve started taking the odd brick back down again but its painful and exposing… and I think he’s a bit scared of putting a foot wrong in-case I put all the bricks back again…or he’s just not noticed… that’s also quite likely! Our relationship is strained and distant but I feel we’re taking steps back to each other at last.

That green eyed monster still likes to remind me its there every now and again… like just now. I was looking for an old notebook and whilst doing so stumbled upon a wedding thank you card we received from a friend of my husbands who I know used to be an old crush of his. This wedding happened about a two and a half years ago, and I found this thank you card tucked between two dvds belonging to my husband (films he knows I’d never watch), perched right on top of one of our bookshelves (not where our dvds live). Instantly I start thinking he’s kept this because he still has feelings for her, and he’s hidden it up here because he thinks I wont find it… Actually what’s most likely is those dvds are up there because they wont fit in our dvd draws, and the card is sandwiched between them because chances are the last time he watched them was the time we received the card and they just got all bundled up together… But I still feel jealous… and I still feel like perhaps he would have been better off with her, without me, with someone who isn’t as broken both physically and mentally and then I feel betrayed and angry. Why? it’s all in my head?! But I’ll start over analysing everything, every time he looks at his phone, every minute he spends on the computer, every time he’s late home from work, I’ll wonder if he’s up to something. Then I’ll hate myself because he has never given me any reason what-so-ever to feel like that. That feeling is the result of the previous dysfunctional relationship and I hate that someone who (at the time) had so little regard for me has managed to warp my brain so very much that even now, some 9 years later, it still has such an effect. I want to take my brain out, scrub out that stain, give it a good rinse off and pop it back in my head.

But it’s all those dysfunctional relationships and “brain stains” that make us who we are… and I’ve just got to keep trying to stay positive and keep blocking out all those nasty thoughts because my husband deserves better. Although I may not look the way I did when we first got together, I can at least be slightly less of a moody, jealous, cow.


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