Well I am, OK?

This week I’ve had one person tell me, in a shocked voice, “well you certainly don’t look like a size 18!” and “you certainly don’t look over 80K”

Well I am, all right?

I suppose I should be flattered that I seemingly don’t look the size I actually am but mostly I find it frustrating.

I suppose I’m not designed to be skinny. I got down to a size 8 once, which is supposed to be a pretty healthy size right? Going my BMI I was underweight and I did NOT feel good. I mean it felt good to be a size 8 dont get me wrong, but I had absolutely no energy.

Now I flip flop between energetic days and “oh god dont make me get out of bed” days… and I certainly eat a lot better now than I did then (like I’m eating actual meals) but I’m also a size 18. I think some people (normally the naturally thin people) have this perception that fat people are fat because they sit on their arse and eat all day and it;s “really not that hard, sensible diet and exercise and there wont be an issue” BOLLOCKS TO YOU LOT. Quite frankly. I mean yes, eating sensibly and getting exercise will help, obviously, but it also doesn’t stop you from being fat. Do you know what I mean?

I walk over 10000 steps a day, I go to yoga (now) I don’t eat crisps, we have takeaway probably once a month if that, I dont drink fizzy drinks, I don’t eat sweets, I can no longer have ice-cream and cheese, we almost never eat out. I cook well balanced meals with vegetables in and everything. Ok, yes, I have a chocolate problem but it’s not out of control… and yet I am overweight. Sometimes its just shitty genetics. It really is. Or a whole load of other crap. Hormones, medication, depression are all things that effect weight gain, especially in women. It’s not as simple as eat less and move more. Though the self righteous skinny people who don’t have to try hard like to make you think that’s the case (disclaimer: not all skinny people are horrid).

The last time I lost a significant amount of weight the only way I was able to do it was to lower my calorie intake to 1200 a day and go to the gym for nearly two hours, four times a week. I’m sorry that is not sustainable, especially when I’m battling with low iron and fatigue, and have a business, house, husband and child to look after…. Not to mention very shaky mental health that requires me to shut everyone away for periods of time… and thats very time consuming.

I want to be able to exercise more but I have neither the time nor finances to. “oh well you have to make time” FUCK OFF! Unless you’ve got a time machine in your pocket I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that. Yes I could watch less telly and I could be doing situps right now instead of typing this out but I already mentioned the mental health thing and telly and typing this are both things I need to do to ensure my brain doesn’t have a wobbly. At the end of the day my mental health is more important than my physical health. Some people may scoff at that but its true. Poor mental health will kill me quicker than poor physical health. Dark statement there but I’ve been on that cliff top more times than I’d like to mention so I know it’s true.

And I can still remember the soul crushing feeling of a hard month of never eating and working out constantly and getting on the scales to see my weight had GONE UP! No my poor little brain isn’t ready for that.

I would quite like to be able to afford to go to the gym again though. Its very self indulgent, I mean two hours devoted entirely to the bettering of yourself. That would be nice. No such luck at the moment… my boobs don’t fit in my sports bra anyway.

I will continue to try and spend the few moments spare I get a day equally between looking after my head and looking after my body, and I suppose I shall continue to hope that each day my mind gets a little better that, eventually, my body will follow.